What Happens When Your Heart Isn’t Fully In.

I always remember as a younger teen and child hearing the term “Put your heart into it” That saying always came during those important basketball, soccer practices or right before my dance recitals. It would be part of the pep talk that my coach, parents or instructor would give right before it was GO time. As a younger child, this basically meant that I should be giving all of my effort into what it was I was doing and make sure 110% effort was shown.

These were the times that I am sure your parents, like mine were trying to expose me to everything to see what I would get into and what peaked my interest to continue along with that hobby.

I played the flute.

I  took voice lessons.

I danced tap, hip-hop and jazz (which I always think about and make sure to thank my parents for sitting through those recitals!)

I played numerous sports like basketball, soccer, softball and later in HS I played field hockey and rowed crew.

Did I love all of these activities? No way. I didn’t really enjoy playing the flute, but I chose that instrument and it’s what I did for 4 years. I showed up at every flute lesson, practiced tirelessly and gave it my all at my final recitals and in elementary school orchestra. I knew I wasn’t going to continue playing the flute in High School, but  learning how to stick with an activity long enough to see if it would peak my interest is something that I knew would always be a part of my life, so therefore I gave my 110%

What ‘Putting your heart into it’ Can Really Mean

As we get older, “putting your heart into it” gets more cloudy. We learn to put even more of our efforts into things we care even less about. Let me explain.

I took classes in college that I dreaded even walking to, let alone sit and read from a textbook about. Anthropology? Really? I had to put my heart into this class? But I was studying exercise science and I wanted to learn about the human body! Why was I forced to take these Gen Ed classes that I knew wouldn’t serve any purpose in my life?

That’s the thing about life.

It teaches us out to become focused on whatever task we have at hand and thus causing us to hone in on what it IS that makes us tick. I knew I wasn’t going to major in anthropology, yet I knew I had to take this course regardless so I did put in efforts, but definitely not the same effort as I did for my Exercise Science Classes. I loved college for that reason.  It opened my eyes to a wide variety of classes, lectures and subjects, yet at the end of the day-I was in control of the majority of what I studied so I knew I was going in with passion.

I majored in Exercise Science which I was SO excited about. I LOVED going to anatomy labs and learning about biomechanics, kinesiology and the effects of exercise on the human body. I lived for that sh*t.  I put my heart into it because I wanted to learn more always.

Sooo; during those college years is where I learned how and where to put my heart into subjects that made me tick. When I got home, I would always do my Anatomy homework before my art  history homework because I wanted all of my best efforts to go toward what I loved. It made sense to me and it always worked out. I didn’t ignore, but I did set priorities.

Then, came the real world.

No more art history or anthropology  classes, let alone any class or studying of a subject that I truly didn’t have a passion for. I chose where to put my heart. This was the most liberating and scary feeling. I was supposed to just get thrown out there and do what I want to do everyday? uhhhhh.

Somewhere, as we transition to adulthood, putting your heart into something is more about passion, belief and enjoyment.  Along the way, we move further away from the effort piece because lets be honest, we all can put effort into something even if our hearts and minds are shut off. Did I want to attend the AFAA Group Fitness certification when I did it a couple years ago? Heck no. I am not a group fitness instructor, yet I went just in case I do sub a class here and there, and I got through the whole thing. My heart wasn’t there, but my mind, body and effort was.

As a an adult now, I have no one forcing me to take piano lessons, attend seminars or partake in cooking classes. I choose what to do, what to try, where to work, what to eat and what I’m doing tomorrow (for the most part) When something makes my eyes widen and heart pound and brings a smile to my face or simply it’s something that makes me feel good-I do it. I don’t ask questions and don’t think about how I will be seen or looked at by others. I just go.

My Decision To Compete

When I took the leap to participate in a bikini competition, I had no idea what I was in for. I had no idea if I would even like the process-but I did know that there was this underlying passion for wanting to attempt to try.

Little did I know the world it would lead me to.

Learning, discovering, transforming, paying attention to, and loving myself and others around me. It was a very selfish time in my life when I competed in my first show, but after being in a horrible relationship for over 2 years, it was a godsend. I finally had the time to focus on myself. My confidence, my inner self, and my life. To say I put my heart in it is a understatement. I took this thing as serious as you can imagine. I didn’t drink for 7 months leading up to my show. Not even a sip of wine.

Some may read that and think that it was WAY restrictive and how could I actually been enjoying myself during this time? I wanted NOTHING else in the world at that time in my life than to accomplish this goal. I never skipped a workout. I followed my coaches instructions each week to a a “T” I strength trained and did the amount of cardio I was told. I never skipped a week of check-in’s complete with pictures and my thoughts for the week. When I was told to adjust something, I never complained or asked questions, I just did it. I woke up at 7:30am every Sunday for a couple of months leading up to the show to attend posing class and the group workout at the CSF studio. This is where my anxiety floated out of my body. I was with my friends whom I had developed unbreakable bonds with, I was surrounded by like-minded women, all with a fire and passion for competitions and/or making some life transformation whether physical, mental or both.

When it was show time, I had never been more ready in my life. I had people who didn’t think I would go through with it and some who wanted nothing to do with the fact that this was my newfound hobby. It had become a part of my life and my heart was nowhere else but that stage. I remember that feeling after getting up there. “Holy crap. I did it” I had no idea how I placed or even what I did on stage (it was somewhat of a black out moment because of the excitement and nerves) but I did know one thing. I left my heart on that stage.

I made a promise from that moment on that when I decide to compete, I will be 100% THERE. Mentally and physically. I saw myself push to the extreme. I pushed through the easy days and extremely tough days. Not everything was sunshine and rainbows. I had doubts, I had tears, but I also had heart. I made the promise that my heart NEEDS to be there first and foremost and that in general, when I decide to pursue any new goal, the drive and passion has to be present because in the long run, this is what will push me through it.

Every Time I made the decision to compete in another competition thereafter, I ensured that my mind would be ‘in it’  besides just following a set of directions on paper for what needs to be done.

“Eat this. Do this during your workout. Pose 15 minutes and send a video. Pick a suit” These are somewhat simple tasks to ask if you are following a ‘show prep’ guideline All I need to do is listen and repeat but what is the point of going through it if I don’t truly want to go through with it?

The Back to Back Show Experience

I remember the 2 competitions I did in 2012. The first one was in August at Atlantic City. This was by far the most memorable show I have competed in. It was the first time I had gotten back on stage after the most serious health scare I have had in my entire life. The health scare that put me in the hospital for 2 weeks. The health scare where I literally saw my life flash before my eyes. When I was in recovery, I had a lot of time to think. Think about my body, my life, how we take our bodies and what they are capable for granted.

Lying there with ample time to think about everything in my life, I made another commitment to never push my body past a place where I knew it wasn’t meant to be. This isn’t to say I won’t push hard during a workout or giving my all into something, it simply means pushing my body to a place where I know my health may be at risk.

I had no idea even if I was going to be able to lift weights again so soon after I was released. I followed the regimen given to me which was walking. That’s it. I could walk for miles and miles, on an incline, outside, inside, wherever I could walk, thats what I could do and only that. But what about lifting? Heeeeeccckkkk no. And you know what? I was A-OK with that. I had so many people ask me “aren’t you itching to get back to lifting weights?!” The short answer was obviously “Yes” but the long answer was “when my body is ready, I will be back. The gym and weights will always be there. ALWAYS. This is the time for me to heal and get better.”

but when I was given the green light to go-I took it easy, always listening to my body and kept that show date in the back of my mind. I wanted to do this show more than ANY I had done to prove to myself that I was back in the game, healthy, happy and that I was not going to let this situation or now big scar on my belly tear me away. I was HUNGRY for that show.

Not far after, coming off from such a high post Atlantic City,  I decided to continue on and participate in the Boston FAP show only a couple months later.

Big mistake.

I was physically there, but not at all mentally there which is 80% of competing. I had worked so hard for the Atlantic City show, getting my mind and body in the right space, that trying to continue prepping and dieting for another 6 weeks was a poor decision. By the time show day rolled around, I had one thought in my head “can I we get this over with already?” Whhhhhaaattt?!?! I had never had those thoughts in my head, yet this is truly how I felt. I got on stage when it was my turn and I might as well have been walking in my own apartment. I put on the smiles and hit my poses, but boy was I out of it. I just didn’t have that burning fire in me and I felt mentally and physically exhausted. My coach saw it, my family saw it but most importantly I saw it.  I had always put my heart into everything I did including competing so why did I feel the need to push myself to do this specific show ‘just to do it?’ I had no idea at the time, but I will say that I learned  to not make this mistake again in the future.

Decisions Decisions

I have learned throughout my adult years that I am capable of doing anything I want if I am inspired and hooked. We all make decisions every single day. What to eat, what to wear, which route to take to work, what to eat for dinner. These are simple tasks.

The bigger decisions we make may impact our lives just a bit more.

Where will my next job be?

 What is the next step in my life? 

Can I really take this acting class even though none of my friends are doing it with me? 

Should I go on that date? 

These decisions get a bit more dicey and important and it is so integral to acknowledge how you feel when making them as they may be a huge factor in your happiness.

My decision to pull out of the competition this spring came from a place deep within.  I started going through the prep phase-had a date to go pick out a new suit, started ‘dieting’ loosely still I was still pretty far out, but regardless of the easy tasks I was given from my coach, I pictured myself going through prep at the stage I am in my life right now. I am loving life right now. I am spending lots of time with friends, being extremely social, recently moved apartments in Boston so fully taking advantage of my new neighborhood, eating, drinking, working out for enjoyment and challenge, having wine when I want it and treats as well.  I am beyond happy right now.

I am in no way that prepping for shows fills a void where I ‘wasn’t’ happy in my life–absolutely not! I freakin’ LOVE it, but I am just loving my life just a little too much to commit to something that will change my lifestyle for a few months.

Besides not getting in the right mindset mentally, I also have to be aware of my body, physically. Ever since my surgery in 2012, I have been dealing with some annoying GI issues. I have gone back and forth to the doctor, taken numerous breath tests, endoscopy’s etc. I am A-OKAY in fact, better than I ever have been, but I do have to follow somewhat of a 70/30 way of eating right now that best fits my dietary concerns. My health will ALWAYS come first and right now is not the best time to be show dieting.

My heart? It wasn’t fully in it as well. I had been fighting it for weeks, but deep down I knew it wasn’t there. I was getting anxious, overwhelmed,nervous and frustrated. It started taking over my thoughts while I was at home, at work, doing anything.

I am not at all perfect, and I am human. I can make a decision and then back away knowing this wasn’t the best decision for me. So I had to listen to my heart and back away, knowing this was the best possible answer to the solution. I am so relieved that I have made the decision that I know will best serve me right now.  

There is no magic pill or formula to follow when trying to decide if something is best for you. Its a feeling.  

I guess I am proud that I know myself so well to figure out so early on that I needed to take a step back. Scary as it was, my heart can’t lie.

What I learned? Well, I’m learning something new about myself every single day-thank goodness! This is one of the most enjoyable parts of life! I am in control of what I want to accomplish every day and that is something to be grateful for. 

I will always trust my gut. 

I don’t call anything failure-I call it a learning moment.

 

XOXOXOX

NAOMI